"The Women's Guide to Second Adulthood' is full of tales about women who changed their life as they embraced their "F*** You Fifties" - the corporate executive who joined the Peace Corps; the well-heeled east coast American who secured a second home in New York as her "Second Adulthood home" and became a driving force in a modern dance company
Enjoy the age of discovery
Feb 28, 2005
YOU have no beds to make and no pile of washing to tackle. There are no more extortionate phone bills to pay or stereos playing Franz Ferdinand too loud. In fact, your house is blissfully quiet - and you are not sure what to do.
In theory, your empty nest should be idyllic. After years of playing cook, cleaner, chauffeur and counsellor to your offspring, the time has come for you to get your life back. But while some women d'un certain age welcome this as a long-awaited opportunity for "me-time", others feel lost as they grapple with the question: "What am I going to do now?"
According to Suzanne Braun Levine, it is vital to do something - or risk losing what might be your last chance to live a different life, become another person.
In her new book, The Women's Guide to Second Adulthood, she recounts her own experience of turning 50, hitting the menopause, leaving her job as editor of media monitoring magazine The Columbia Journalism Review, and realising that her teenage children would soon be flying the coop.
She knew that a wonderful part of her life was over forever. But she was determined not to "shrivel away", awaiting the arrival of grandchildren as she had seen so many of the previous generation of women do. So she embraced her new-found middle age as a land of golden opportunity.
"I stopped worrying what others thought about me and began to trust my inner voice, my instincts and started to pursue some of my own dreams and goals," explains the 63-year-old from her home base of New York.
Her book is full of tales about women who changed their life as they embraced their "F*** You Fifties" - the corporate executive who joined the Peace Corps; the well-heeled east coast American who secured a second home in New York as her "Second Adulthood home" and became a driving force in a modern dance company.
"The more I talked to women who were going through similar experiences the more I become absolutely convinced that this is a clearly defined stage in every woman's life.
"It might be intimidating, but it is full of promise and discovery," says Braun Levine.
Easy to say, but where to start? If you feel that your adult life as you know is coming to an end, but are not sure how to embark on finding the new you, take some tips from Braun Levine on how to make sure you live the rest of your years as you really want.
TAKE YOUR TIME
Just as adolescence propels you from childhood to adulthood, the menopause signals the start of another turbulent phase in your life. Confronted by the reality that you are growing older, your body is changing, and you are in need of a new challenge, there are numerous decisions to be made. Braun Levine calls this transition period "the fertile void" - the phase which leaves you in limbo while you answer the question: 'What's next?'
"The problem is that because you are so used to organising, multi- tasking and getting things done, the tendency is to speed through this transition without taking the time to figure out what you want," she warns.
"You have to accept this stage as part of the process and be patient. It might take a year or even two to identify what you want. The pieces will fall eventually into place."
LEARN TO SAY 'NO'
Having spent so much of your adult life seeing to the needs of those you love, there is a danger that you will continue to do the same and miss this opportunity to put your own dreams and desires first. So, learn to say No to others' expectations and demands.
"Speaking up and disagreeing with others is not a negative thing, but about listening to your own voice," says Braun Levine.
"The more you say No, the more you become familiar with what you do and don't want to do. By saying No you reject any misconceptions others might have of you and discover who you really are."
RE-CALIBRATE
Braun Levine stresses that at this point in your life you are not just "who you were, but a bit older". You are a different person to the one you were two or three decades ago and, as such, will need to re-evaluate the important relationships in your life.
The most obvious relationship to look closely at is the one you have with your partner. Spending time together if children have flown the nest will help you get used to the idea that it is just the two of you again. Go on "dates" or on holiday and re-acquaint yourself with each other as you first knew each other. "Get to know your husband again as a husband, not just as a father," advises Braun Levine.
Be sure to discuss the new emerging you with your loved one. "Your partner may feel like he is being left behind, and so you should try and assure him that just because your behaviour is changing, your feelings are not. Much of the changes can be positive for your relationship. However, if you have been in a stifling, or bad, partnership, this is often the point where you can get out of it."
You also need to consider how you feel about your career - or lack of it, if you have been a stay-at-home mother. "A lot of women think that the way they can launch into this new phase of life is by changing their job, going back to work, or retiring," says Braun Levine.
Although this might not be necessary, she recommends having a rethink about your career. "Even if you want to continue working, you may not want the same things out of your job as you did 20 years ago. People who have always loved the buzz of a busy office find they want to work from home, or people who liked taking orders want to start their own business."
GET PASSIONATE
You don't need to emigrate and spend the rest of your days in a Buddhist commune to inject some purpose into your life. Passion and fulfilment can be found by taking up a hobby or trying a new direction closer to home. Why not learn a foreign language, go travelling, or even take up ballroom dancing?
"The changes you make don't need to be drastic, and don't panic if you don't feel overwhelmingly passionate about something immediately - most of us don't," says Braun Levine.
"Look for the things you hold a small pilot light for. These hobbies might not set off fireworks but are important because they give meaning to your life." However, she warns against re-visiting our 'if-only-I-had-time-I-would' list. "You are not that 30-year- old person anymore, so have to try new things."
REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Braun Levine is critical of what she calls "society's blindness" to this stage in a woman's life and the tendency for older women to be overlooked. Therefore you should think of yourself as part of a critical mass, which plays a significant part in the wider community. "It is important to remember that you are part of a very big economical, political and social force," she says.
"You still count and are still important. This realisation can help you feel empowered, embrace your new life and be an inspiration to others."
