Anne Michaud says: I remember living in a village in Togo, West Africa, as a Peace Corps volunteer when I was in my 20s. I didn't have the mature perspective of a mother back then. But it was truly charming to see that everyone knew each other's stories and personalities.
Networking works wonders for many parents
By Anne Michaud
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The Internet has revolutionized our ability to communicate, but for sheer usefulness, I'll still take the conversation between two parents.
We moved to a new community in New York almost two years ago, knowing nobody here. My daughter made a friend in preschool, and while we were on a play date, her mom filled me in on the best summer camps, ballet classes and pediatricians. Distilled in her recommendations were years of living in the neighborhood and the collective wisdom shared by other parents. I have found it all to be true.
Members of the Parenthood Panel, who contribute to this column, say they would be lost without their parent networks.
Alison Fujito of McCandless says her sister-in-law taught her about breast-feeding when the advice of doctors failed. Also, she believes in letting her children sleep in the parents' bed. "The biggest support I found came from the fact that nearly every mom I knew slept with the baby -- and told the pediatrician that she didn't," Fujito writes.
The parent network is good for so many things, from information to emotional support to a helping hand. Most of the Parenthood Panel moms who responded -- and they were all moms this time, although the panel includes a few fathers as well -- said they feel that women share this kind of information more effectively than men.
"I think women, whether or not we are naturally better at it, have learned that this kind of networking is the most efficient way for us to do our work," writes Carrie May, a lawyer. "I found the women more likely to collaborate in the business world when I was there, too."
But Stephanie Lewand of Highland Park says her husband is by far the superior gatherer of information. "Just this morning, he met a woman at my daughter's school and found out about a really inexpensive summer horse camp that sounds wonderful -- all in two minutes," Lewand writes.
Of course, not everyone is willing to share what they know. I ran into a mom whose daughter was taking violin lessons and asked her if she could recommend the teacher. She didn't get back to me. Maybe she's busy, I thought. Or maybe she's planning for her daughter to have this violin-playing edge when our children are competing for the same slot at Harvard.
Lucy May of Ft. Mitchell, Ky., says she was reluctant to network with other parents at first. "As a working mom, I felt like other mothers who were sharing information were trying to tell me that I was doing something wrong," she writes. "But once I became more comfortable with myself as a mom, I found that I was much more open to those conversations."
Pam Harman of Powell, Ohio, says the most important networking help she received this year was through a discussion group for parents of teenagers. "It was a safe environment for us to share our experiences and gather a wealth of knowledge to apply to our parenting at home," writes Harman, the mother of a 14-year-old son.
Harman says this proves her assertion that it takes a village to raise children. I remember living in a village in Togo, West Africa, as a Peace Corps volunteer when I was in my 20s. I didn't have the mature perspective of a mother back then. But it was truly charming to see that everyone knew each other's stories and personalities.
People often stepped in to help me when I was first getting settled. One friend chased a bat from my house. Neighbor children gathered each time I pushed my motorcycle out to the main road to pop the clutch down the hill and start it up. They didn't help much, but I felt less lonely in my vehicular challenges.
Still, there is the other side to the village. Villagers rarely have any privacy. People envy each other. The village takes care of its own, rather than seeking help outside that could be more healing.
I think American culture is so far from village life that, in most places, we will never really go back to it. Parent networks tap into the parts of the village that still work for us. Like the man who would ring a bell twice a day and shout out the news in my village of Koussountou, our informal networks give us a shared base.
Anne Michaud writes on family and parenting issues every Tuesday. If you'd like to participate in the Familyville Parenthood Panel or have a comment or suggestion, send it to Ammich@aol.com.
