Micronesia Peace Corps Volunteer Crabbitha writes: should I stay or should I go?



"What am I staying for; what is really my motivation? What is a good move for me right now? Is this all because I feel like I'm going to continue to be asked to do Peace Corps work, keeping my same status as a minion and gopher because I will take care of things and could potentially continue to be socially and professionally discredited in public, while just trying to get things done, and what's the point in being paid to continue to go through this? Do I really want to work in a place where the majority of people want to get paid to not do anything?"

Micronesia Peace Corps Volunteer Crabbitha writes: should I stay or should I go?

should I stay or should I go?
[info]amazingcrab
8/24/06 06:51 pm
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***I realize that this is not very entertaining or descriptive of Yap, so my apologies as this may be a continuing topic over several future, changing, and probably contradictory entries.

Tropical island paradise environment and my recent increase in happiness satisfaction after moving to where I currently live with a new host family aside, indecision for whether to stay after my Peace Corps service is over is still plaguing me.

When the going gets tough, is it right to bail? Is is right to "stick it out" because this is when I'm needed the most? Will I regret it later? Will I regret not staying?

What am I staying for; what is really my motivation? What is a good move for me right now? Is this all because I feel like I'm going to continue to be asked to do Peace Corps work, keeping my same status as a minion and gopher because I will take care of things and could potentially continue to be socially and professionally discredited in public, while just trying to get things done, and what's the point in being paid to continue to go through this? Do I really want to work in a place where the majority of people want to get paid to not do anything?

Do I really want to continue working where I'm afraid to speak up or where people intimidate me? Where social skills and timing and charisma play important roles in one's productivity. Is all of this too harsh to be saying? Just get another Peace Corps.

I want a job where I can be expected to work up to my full potential, instead of being self-motivated to work up to my full potential and have it not matter because no one cares whether something gets done or it doesn't. Or in some cases where my self-motivation and initiative-taking are counterprodutive and end up being scolded.

I know all of this is really vague and overgeneralized, and if asked for specific examples of some of these accusations I'm making, I'm not sure I could readily produce one. But I know there is a potential energy that give me a weird feeling and a sketchy vibe, which I don't like because the way I tend to react to situations or people is a direct feed off of the vibes I read.

I've been worn down over the long term and my motivational momentum has visably plummeted over the past 2 years. I don't like how lazy I've become. I mean, instead of sitting here writing all of this down in this complaining rant, I really should be writing productive plans (like I've been wanting to for some time now) and thinking of solutions.

I think I'm feeding and finding excuses and justifying my addiction for laziness and procrastination, which is self-imposed. But what's the point? Is it really going to make a difference? It sometimes makes no difference to me. And it didn't used to be like this. I'm not performing, or thinking, or developing myself to the best of my ability to the degree that I once did. But, is that even really the point?

Am I even allowed to be developing myself professionally here? Aren't others the ones who are supposed to be the ones being developed, not me? I don't count. I feel like I'm not being used in efficient ways or given the appropriate level of responsibilities that I am capable of handling. I don't think I'm able to convey what it is that I am capable of handling.

Is this my inflated conceited ego thinking that I have a potential or can define a potential for myself that is greater than what is currently existing now? Wasn't I just reading something similar by ben_wielgosz today?

Links to Related Topics (Tags):

Headlines: August, 2006; COS - Micronesia; Directory of Micronesia RPCVs; Messages and Announcements for Micronesia RPCVs

When this story was posted in December 2006, this was on the front page of PCOL:




Peace Corps Online The Independent News Forum serving Returned Peace Corps Volunteers

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