And the truth is that no matter what a Peace Corps Volunteer says to “play it cool”, there is this drive, this hope of making a difference that exists in them all. We want to teach, to listen, to give what we have to offer and in doing so “be the change” as my ridiculously arrogant BLOG title suggests. How it is manifested clearly varies on the person, but helping to be an instrument for change is inherent in all of us. It has to be, or else why would we want to try?
Peace Corps Volunteer "Be the change." writes: I came to Cambodia to save the world. I don’t mean that I was actually that naïve, or that my intentions were so ignorantly starry-eyed and cocky that I expected to achieve this. But what that idea represents was in me
Friday, February 22, 2008
The One Year Mark
So February 2nd, 2008 marked one year since I first arrived in Cambodia for my two years of Peace Corps service. There has been so much that has changed in so many ways for me since I stepped on the plane out of Baltimore last January that to attempt any sort of cliché “recap” would be laughable. I’ve had 10 minute conversations worthy of many pages of writing, so how could I hope to come close to adequately summing up an entire year?
Nevertheless, such anniversaries do provide an opportunity for reflection, and to this end, I wanted to just try and briefly say how I perceive myself and my goals for service now as they compared a year ago. Truly some of these thoughts took the entirety of the time to develop, so it’s an appropriate occasion to air them.
I came to Cambodia to save the world. I don’t mean that I was actually that naïve, or that my intentions were so ignorantly starry-eyed and cocky that I expected to achieve this. But what that idea represents was in me. And the truth is that no matter what a Peace Corps Volunteer says to “play it cool”, there is this drive, this hope of making a difference that exists in them all. We want to teach, to listen, to give what we have to offer and in doing so “be the change” as my ridiculously arrogant BLOG title suggests. How it is manifested clearly varies on the person, but helping to be an instrument for change is inherent in all of us. It has to be, or else why would we want to try?
I can now say confidently that I will never save the world. In my year in Cambodia the realities of poverty, institutional corruption, disease, infrastructural deficits, and gaps in education in the developing world have been shown to me in a way that no book could ever hope to convey. For every bit of motivation there is a challenge to frustrate it, and even the brightest and kindest people will unflinchingly point out devastating setbacks to the best of intentions.
There have been (and will be) days when futility almost overwhelms me. In my frustration I railed against the problems in the system, the fact that funds that should be reaching my school aren’t, and the lack of a fair wage to the educators here (as in almost all countries). I vented about co-teachers being late or missing class, the general lack of application for English at my site, and the resulting conclusion that someone in Peace Corps must be getting a good laugh at the joke of me being out here. I even criticized the people that I live with, the constant watching of my every move, and the repetitious social interactions. These are just a few examples, for there are few things that haven’t felt my wrath at some point (often muttered to myself, often in the middle of a particularly heinous bike ride). All the bitching actually creates quite a warm little bubble of self-righteousness, in which I sit and pout.
I considered early termination. It’s a thought that passes through everyone’s mind, at least for an instant. I thought about picking up my bubble and other toys and stomping my way back home to stop “wasting my time”. It was certainly an appealing thought – friends, family, American comforts. Most importantly I would have the knowledge that I had left something that mislead me as to what it would truly be. This would give me a glorious shield against the psychology of not setting out to do what I wanted to do. I mean, I did all I could! I was let down by the experience, but you can’t help it if you give it your best shot and got screwed… right?
Then one day I was watching a neighboring boy stake his cows into the field next to my house to graze. He does this just about every morning, though the position of the cows changes depending on grass growth. And as dusk approaches, he dutifully reemerges to bring the cows back under shelter.
And this is when it hit me. I am a big, pathetic, whiney brat.
I am a healthy, straight, middle-class, white, American male. I come from a loving and supportive family. I have spectacular friends. My life is the kind many people dream of… literally, because I’ve met some of those dreamers here. Frankly, taking a look at my cushy resume, I could do with a little adversity. So I come across the world, and true, I find difficulties and challenges. There are more than enough to make the argument to people that I’m doing my part to fight injustice in the world. And yet along side these “problems” I meet some of the kindest, most generous people in the world. People that didn’t chose to be here; this place chose them. The difficulties I complain about are parts of their lives. There is no escape except in the slow push of reform and progress. They live their days and make them their own, not as some sort of artistic project of service and self-exploration that will end in two years, but because it is their lot in life. There is no passport, no shield of the most powerful government on the planet protecting them, and no ticket out in April 2009. They push forward because they must make the most of what they have, as we all must
And so it’s truly amazing to me that I have the gall to feel put-upon when that boy takes his cows out in the morning and in at night every day for perhaps the rest of his life. I can’t do for two years what these unbelievable people do for their entire lives? I would say it is humbling, but it is closer to what Kerry once said to me which is that “"humbling" is actually a much milder form of the very honest and unflattering perspective” that I have come to have of myself. It is quite a moment to realize how truly selfish you are.
And yet this is not a retrospective, for here I stand at the halfway point. Have storm clouds broken to show a new and radiant side of my time in Cambodia? Of course not. The artificial construct of human time cannot truly track how things move in our world, and change is a glacial process. But what can evolve is my approach, and it does every day here. I can’t fix the educational system, but maybe I can just have a conversation with a student they couldn’t otherwise have. I can’t alleviate poverty, but I can eat breakfast in a place that’s never had a big, goofy looking white customer. I can’t take anyone back to America with me, but I can have a conversation with someone that doesn’t want to be “saved”… they just want to talk. My time is here for them, and if my company is the best I can offer, then that’s what I’ll do.
I will never change Cambodia the way I had hoped. The delusion of an over-confident boy from the U.S. who landed in this country a year ago is good and dead. But there is not a doubt in my mind that Cambodia is changing me more than I could have ever hoped. It is a debt I can never repay. But I have a year to try.
