In her book, the 36-year-old reveals her final conversation with her husband and — hours later — her thoughts when the doorbell rang and she saw three uniformed officers outside her door. They had come to tell her he was dead. She describes viewing her husband's body in the ambulance at the scene: She kissed her fingers and put them to his lips. She recalls how the couple met in a world geography class and fell in love during their senior year at Coon Rapids High School. How he proposed during a candlelit dinner at the "Witch's Hat" water tower in Minneapolis' Prospect Park. And how they traveled to Honduras to serve in the Peace Corps after they were married. Mostly, she writes about grief and how the pain from her loss doesn't get easier — it only changes. Like people who have lost a limb, she has learned to adapt, she said.
Honduras RPCV Jennifer Silvera chronicles grief and survival after death of husband
Minn. officer's widow chronicles grief and survival
By Brady Gervais
Pioneer Press
Caption: an inspirational message found just before Jennifer Silvera's husband died is painted above a door. The last three words “have become my mantra,” she said. Photo: Richard Sennott, Star Tribune
LINO LAKES, Minn. — When Jennifer Silvera's husband died, she picked up a pen.
Her life was nearly perfect. She had married her high school sweetheart, and they were raising their two children in a home they had bought recently in Forest Lake.
Then in an instant, she became a widow and a single mother. Writing was therapy.
Her husband, a Lino Lakes police officer, was killed Sept. 6, 2005, while putting spikes on Interstate 35W to deflate the tires of a fugitive fleeing police. The driver swerved and hit Shawn Silvera, 32.
Immediately after her husband's death, she wrote in her journal. She kept notebooks throughout the house so she could record her thoughts instantly. About a month later, she took up blogging.
Now, she has turned her writings into a book, "Believe: A Young Widow's Journey Through Brokenness and Back." It was released this month.
"I needed a place to put the pain, and writing was a place for the pain," Silvera said.
In her book, the 36-year-old reveals her final conversation with her husband and — hours later — her thoughts when the doorbell rang and she saw three uniformed officers outside her door. They had come to tell her he was dead. She describes viewing her husband's body in the ambulance at the scene: She kissed her fingers and put them to his lips.
She recalls how the couple met in a world geography class and fell in love during their senior year at Coon Rapids High School. How he proposed during a candlelit dinner at the "Witch's Hat" water tower in Minneapolis' Prospect Park. And how they traveled to Honduras to serve in the Peace Corps after they were married.
Mostly, she writes about grief and how the pain from her loss doesn't get easier — it only changes. Like people who have lost a limb, she has learned to adapt, she said.
Making time to write
Jennifer Silvera prepared for future disasters by buying a year's supply of toilet paper and food for the pantry so if tragedy struck again, she would have time for it.
For two years, a bag of her husband's dirty T-shirts sat next to her bed. She initially kept them for the scent. After the dust settled — and she no longer could smell her husband — she washed the shirts.
She has reached a point where she believes in God's purpose for the present.
Between changing diapers, taking out the trash and watching her young children, she wrote. Her friends and family suggested she treat writing like any other task and that she make time for it. She got feedback — and continues to get comments — through her blog. The encouraging notes comfort her, she said.
"I don't believe Shawn died so I could write a book. I believe I wrote a book so I could survive Shawn dying," she said.
The book has not been only her way to heal. She believes it also will be a legacy for her children, who were 5 months and 20 months old when their father was killed. He will continue being a role model for them, she said.
She hopes it will touch others, as well.
Jennifer Silvera has tremendous strength, and her book will help anyone who has experienced similar trauma, said Suzie Sawyer, executive director of Concerns for Police Survivors.
"Not only has she suffered through all of this ... not only has she left a positive impression for her children, but also the world," said Sawyer, who met Jennifer Silvera at a retreat a few years ago. "Every human being wants to leave a mark, and Jennifer is doing that."
A message of hope
The book is for anyone who has suffered a loss "to see hope, to see there's reason to keep going," Silvera said. Whether they've lost a loved one or a job, they can see "that life is still good, that there is a reason they're still here."
Silvera's dream is to write a series specifically for children. There aren't many resources for children on grief and loss, she said.
But her children — 4-year-old Madelynn and 5-year-old Jordan — understand their dad is in heaven.
"They realize someone very important is missing from their life," Silvera said.
As she was tucked into bed recently, Madelynn told her mom she never wanted "my daddy to die," Silvera said. That's not normal nighttime practice for a child, she said.
On special occasions — such as anniversaries and birthdays — she and her children release balloons and send them to the heavens to be with their dad, Silvera said.
Shawn Silvera would pray over his young children each night when he got home from work, Jennifer Silvera writes in her book. He had sensed something very heavy would occur in Jordan's life.
Before their children were born, Jennifer Silvera wrote in her journal that maybe she and her husband would write a book together.
"I think that's what we've done. It's in a way I never expected," Silvera said. "I think he'd be pleased."
