Peace Corps Volunteer Jay Chen in Kazakstan: Anxiety and Guilt



"But in the recent weeks leading up to this, I’ve found myself to be not trying to be a bastion of that famous indomitable human spirit, but falling into a behavioral pattern that I was trying to walk away from to start with – the sort of curious American cultural mentality that has us obsessed with our own comfort and conveniences. As opposed to thinking about Kazakhstan as a wonderful opportunity to experience a different life, oftentimes in want and simply learning how to do without, I spent the weeks leading up to my departure date buying everything that I “wouldn’t be able to get in Kazakhstan” so I could be as comfortable as possible."

Peace Corps Volunteer Jay Chen in Kazakstan: Anxiety and Guilt

6.09.2005
Hypocrisy

Anxiety and Guilt.

That’s the feeling I have right now. I suppose anxiety and those sorts of feelings are easily explained – after all, it’s not everyday that a person decides to one day drop everything in their own lives and to what is literally the other side of the world.

But it’s odd too. Had you asked me a year ago what I thought going to another country to ‘help people,’ I would have said it’s a fantastic opportunity and something that everyone should take the time to do. To do something like that – sacrificing and putting your own life on hold for the sake of others is nothing less than a demonstration of the power of the human spirit. The only moral response, I would have argued, to the fantastic opportunities and wealth afforded to us in the United States is to give back somehow in a way that would genuinely require a change in lifestyle, and at the expense of our comfort.

But in the recent weeks leading up to this, I’ve found myself to be not trying to be a bastion of that famous indomitable human spirit, but falling into a behavioral pattern that I was trying to walk away from to start with – the sort of curious American cultural mentality that has us obsessed with our own comfort and conveniences. As opposed to thinking about Kazakhstan as a wonderful opportunity to experience a different life, oftentimes in want and simply learning how to do without, I spent the weeks leading up to my departure date buying everything that I “wouldn’t be able to get in Kazakhstan” so I could be as comfortable as possible. I did have some limitations of course – certainly, no down comforter and scented candles here, but I did obsess for weeks over the proper sleeping bag to buy, and I read all about the weather conditions in Kazakhstan so I’d be able to have the proper outdoor gear to match all of the elements, whether it was 100 plus degrees or -30 degrees outside (both of which are very real Kaz weather conditions). I ran out and bought name brand performance winter thermal underwear. “I don’t want to be cold,” I reasoned, “Surely I won’t be able to buy X or Y there!”

Never mind that people in Kazakhstan have survived for centuries without even having heard of North Face Jackets or Thorlo socks.

So that’s the guilt part. I’ve finally boarded my plane to Philadelphia, and the beginning of the next 2 years of my life and the next Chapter in the Jay Chen Life Story – sitting here, typing on my laptop, listening to my mp3s, wearing my Sony headphones – with 2 giant duffel bags of check-in luggage that ended up being 30 pounds too heavy.

Lord, I hope I don’t make the wrong impression.

When this story was posted in June 2005, this was on the front page of PCOL:



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American Taboo: A Peace Corps Tragedy Returned Volunteers met with author Philip Weiss in Baltimore on June 18 to discuss the murder of Peace Corps Volunteer Deborah Gardner. Weiss was a member of a panel that included three psychiatrists and a criminal attorney. Meanwhile, the Seattle U.S. Attorney's office announced that Dennis Priven cannot be retried for the murder. "We do not believe this case can be prosecuted by anyone, not only us, but in any other jurisdiction in the United States." Read background on the case here.

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June 16, 2005: Special Events Philip Weiss, PCV murder writer, speaks in Baltimore June 18 "Rainforests and Refugees" showing in Portland, Maine until June 25 "Iowa in Ghana" on exhibit in Waterloo through June 30 NPCA to hold Virtual Leaders Forum on July 29 RPCV's "Taking the Early Bus" at Cal State until Aug 15 "Artists and Patrons in Traditional African Cultures" in NY thru Sept 30 RPCVs: Post your stories or press releases here for inclusion next week.

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June 14: Peace Corps suspends Haiti program After Uzbekistan, the Peace Corps has announced the suspension of a second program this month - this time in Haiti. Background: The suspension comes after a US Embassy warning, a request from Tom Lantos' office, and the program suspension last year. For the record: PCOL supports Peace Corps' decision to suspend the two programs and commends the agency for the efficient way PCVs were evacuated safely. Our only concern now is with the placement of evacuated PCVs and the support they receive after interrupted service.

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June 6: PC suspends Uzbekistan program Peace Corps has announced that it is suspending the Uzbekistan program after the visas of 52 Peace Corps volunteers who arrived in January were not renewed. The suspension comes after a State Department warning that terrorist groups may be planning attacks in Uzbekistan and after the killings in Andizhan earlier in May. Background: PCOL published a report on April 23 that Peace Corps volunteers who arrived in January were having visa difficulties and reported on safety and visa issues in Uzbekistan as they developed.

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June 6, 2005: This Week's Top Stories Kinky Friedman will "sign anything except bad legislation" 6 Jun Niels Marquardt Makes Chimpanzee Protection a Priority 6 Jun Laurence Leamer needs approval for "Today" appearance 6 Jun Desperate Housewives' Ricardo Chavira is son of RPCVs 6 Jun Anthony Sandberg runs Berkeley sailing school 5 Jun Amy Smith field-tests sugarcane charcoal 5 Jun Mary Johnson organizes workshop on genocide 3 Jun Jonathan Lash in 100 most Influential Business Leaders 3 Jun Hastert jump-starts Chris Shays' Campaign 3 Jun John Coyne says 41 RPCVs applied for scholarships 3 Jun James Rupert writes on bombing in Kandahar mosque 1 Jun John McCain says to expand opportunities for service 1 Jun Jay Rockefeller's relationships with Japanese go way back 1 Jun Anat Shenker met her husband during service in Honduras 31 May Ryan Clancy punished without hearing for visiting Iraq 30 May Melissa Mosvick remembered as a fallen American hero 29 May Kurt Carlson played basketball against Togo's national team 29 May Helen Thomas's favorite president remains JFK 24 May

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